42 Dating Disasters

Hot for teacher

Gloria knows all the right things to say. I (and you, especially if you’re a woman) could learn a thing or two about dating from her. I think she hasn’t been on the dating scene for long, but her technique is really great. It doesn’t hurt that she has a 1,000 watt smile that makes guys flock to her from across the room. I met her at a bar, but fortunately, I was introduced to her by a friend, which gave me a huge advantage (okay, technically I introduced myself; I don’t find being shy to be a very good strategy). Once I got her alone for a minute, I got her number and set up a date. It was a standard drink date, which gave us time to talk. Out of the whole night, what I remember the most was how I blabbed on for about half an hour on things I never would have talked to anyone else about, mostly because they are normally date-killers. At the end of it, she told me how interesting it all was. I totally think that was a line, but either way, it worked for me. Her being interested in what interests me made me more interested in her. Get it? I learned plenty about her, too. Mostly that she was much better at this than I am. But that’s why I take notes.

Instant Slut

This is the account of my second date with “Daisy”. You can also read about my first date.

If you’re in the CIA, trying to get some “intelligence”, one of your tools is truth serum. Use the right amount, and your subject spills her guts, telling you everything you ever wanted to know. Use too much, and you get paranoid delusions. If you’re in the “CPA”, you use alcohol in the same way. And there is just as much risk for things to spiral out of control if this valuable tool is overused. Before I get into too much detail about the date itself, I think it’s worth recapping the phone calls that led up to our first date. Most of them were about getting drunk. Like many women, Daisy has a habit of saying the opposite of what she means, at least some of the time. For example, “I don’t drink a lot” was in the same conversation as “and then I woke up and I had no idea where I was. That always happens to me!”

Like my first date with Daisy, this one was blissfully normal, at least on the surface. I’ve been meaning to have more “date-like” dates, and tickets to a concert made this a good chance to try it out. During the concert, we drank. We drank a lot. Before the concert started, we talked about grabbing a drink afterwards, so I was a little bit surprised how willing (and able) she was to drink at the event itself. After the concert was over, we were fighting the traffic to get out of the place, and I asked if she still wanted to get that drink. To my complete shock and awe, she started listing places we could go on the way back.

Those of you with more experience than me probably know how this story ends. Those of you with a little less probably think I “got the girl”. No, I added just a little too much alcohol to the mix. About an hour before I took her home, things were going great. By the time she ordered that one last drink (you know, the one that, even at the time, you’re thinking “I’m drunk, and I even know I shouldn’t be ordering this one…”), she could barely drink it at all. I mean, she had problems actually picking up the cup and drinking it. After that, I’m pretty sure she didn’t even remember where she was or who she was with. That one last little bit of alcohol pushed her over the edge, making her talk not just about some friend who was supposed to be at the bar we left, but also about her adventures with another guy. I honestly thought she might have hooked up with a porn producer, considering some of the things she told me. We made out for a bit at her place (hey, why waste it?), but eventually she passed out and I went home. For me, this was a lesson learned. Alcohol can be a great social (or sexual) lubricant. But apply too much, and things can slip out of control. At the end of the day, though, a little “out of control” can be fun, and we’ve already talked about going out again. Cheers!

Maybe a little extreme...

It took a while to land a date with “Daisy”. She seemed pretty excited to go out, and it wasn’t that I just hadn’t put in enough effort. Maybe I just didn’t realize exactly how “laid back” and relaxed she was. It seemed like I just needed to exercise a little control. On that note, let’s jump right to the score card:

• Actually showed up and did not cancel at the last minute – check
• Looks like her pictures – check (plus)
• Does not look longingly into my eyes all night – check
• Good conversation – check
• No inappropriate or awkward contact or clinginess – check
• Admitted at least one personally embarrassing story during the night – check

Now that I’m writing that list, I realize that my standards for a good date must be at an all-time low. Am I really just looking to hang out with someone for a couple of hours and not be totally revolted?

Well, the night was a little better than all that. Daisy is one of those women who needs the man to lead. This was a little bit of a challenge for me, since we met near where she lives and where she hangs out with her friends. I had no idea what to suggest. On the other hand, this was a change of pace for me, and it was an interesting experience to be in complete control of the evening. My first decree was that she pick a spot to meet. Maybe that’s a cop-out, but seriously, she had much better odds at picking good places to go than I did over the Internet. When we arrived, that place was closed. I do believe in “fate” or something like it, but I didn’t take this as a bad sign. Just that we had to go somewhere better. Since she is a self-proclaimed lightweight, and I was determined (partly inspired by that fact) that there would be much alcohol consumed, I decided to drive to the next location. Call me “chivalrous” (or “opportunistic”; either way).

The rest of the night consisted of bar-hopping throughout the area and a lot of really comfortable, really good conversation. Pretty much classic “first date” material, from what I can remember of high school and college, when I last had first date experience. I’m not sure I’m doing it right, though, since when I took her back to her place where absolutely nothing of interest happened. Hopefully it won’t take quite so long to get the next date. I’m actually kind of hopeful about this one. But as my first time out with “Gretchen” taught me, I really don’t have any idea how these things went. Unlike “Gretchen”, though, she did tell me to call. If it all goes wrong, you can check out the Shot Down category for the gruesome details.

Read about my second date with Daisy

People, people everywhere

This date really taught me the trouble with crowds. They are noisy, loaded with alternative dating material (for both parties), and, especially when they are your date’s friends, judgmental. Gretchen is at the younger end of the HAPS range for me, but she was very open to meeting after very few conversations. There was a clear language barrier, so maybe she likes to meet people right away and see what happens. It was a very confusing set-up, made entirely over email and text, in which she might have invited me to three separate events. With the language thing, it’s always hard to know for sure. In any case, dating someone who is difficult to talk to only works in one scenario: pure, raw physical attraction.

We met up at a very large Fourth of July event. This is a complete departure from my usual setting to meet someone for the first time. She was going there with some friends, so I decided I might as well swing by to meet her. Finding someone in a large crowd like that can be pretty hard. All I had to go on was a general description of where she and her friends were sitting. Also, due to the size of the event, there was really spotty cell phone coverage. After wandering around like a complete idiot, trying to call her maybe 3-4 times, she finally called me. Oddly enough, I was looking right at her when she did.

We finally met up, but her friends had walked on ahead. The first 15 minutes of our meet-up was trying to find her friends. In case you haven’t heard, men hate to feel impotent, and I was completely powerless to help her find her friends. The whole situation was both frustrating and distracting. We chatted a bit about our day so far, talked about food (one of the universal languages)… nothing serious, and no big deal. I met her friends, who were mostly younger than her, I think. All 10 of them. That’s when she told me that she didn’t mention that a guy was meeting up with her and that she let her friends think I was a girl. Talk about feeling outnumbered and under pressure! Oh yeah, and they all spoke Gretchen’s language much better than mine. I like to think I’m not too paranoid, but I am certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the first conversation they had was about me and whether I made the cut.

Gretchen was actually supposed to leave the event early, so I was expecting maybe an hour of hanging out. Instead, she suggested we go for a walk and maybe get a drink. To be honest, I was a little surprised, since I had been unceremoniously dis-invited to an after-Fourth party which was suddenly just for the girls (this was just after the previously-mentioned “paranoia-inducing” conversation between Gretchen and her friends). On my way to meet her, I had passed a pleasantly-busy bar, so I walked there with her. She was incredibly uncomfortable with the noisy bar scene, so we ended up at a cafe where we sipped on water and juice. I felt bad for the waitress and grossly over-tipped her. Come to think of it, I should have used the bathroom there. Gretchen had some interesting stories about her work, her new career plans, and her culture. She hardly understood a word I said. Okay, I did make her laugh once or twice, but between the crowds (the big one and the 10-woman jury), her ride home being late to pick her up (very creepy to offer a ride home on a first meet, I think), and the language barrier… it was a bit awkward. I’d be willing to give it another shot, though, and see if that raw physical attraction could develop a bit. Maybe all we need is a more… intimate… setting? There’s not much time, though. Her visa expires at the end of the year!

Blowing my mind, at least

“Amber” is different from all the girls I’ve been on a date with so far. All 4 of them. She’s very well educated, lived an interesting life, cares about people (but is realistic about her own motivations for being altruistic), can pick a good place to meet, is accommodating, and even split the check with me. I know, I said in another post that I just expect my dates to offer and that I wouldn’t let them pay, but she’s that good. If nothing else, it was a very interesting date with great conversation.

I hadn’t talked with Amber much on the phone before we met up. I’m not sure whether that matters, now. In fact, this experience makes me want to meet up even sooner than I have been, maybe after 1-2 brief calls. When we finally did talk face-to-face, we didn’t talk about anything uncomfortable. She didn’t divulge too much, and neither did I. She didn’t pry into my personal life, and I didn’t pry into hers. We did talk a lot about ourselves, though, and I feel like I have a pretty good idea of the person behind the profile. I avoided talking about my son on the first date (it’s in my profile, but I feel that it’s way to early to bring him into the mix), and she didn’t ask. She’s led an interesting life — been places I’ve never been, seen things I’ve never seen — and I think some of my stories were interesting to her, too.

A week or so ago, after a night out at a bar, a friend of mine pointed out that I need an intellectual connection to women. There were lots of attractive women there at the bar, but of course I went for the smart one. It’s like I have “brain-dar”. Amber delivered on this count. In addition talking about our childhoods, pop culture, etc., we also talked about her work, my work, and some really nerdy stuff. That stuff didn’t seem so nerdy when we were talking about it, though. Instead, it was one of those late-night-style conversations when you talk with someone about personal philosophy and other things that typically don’t come up in casual conversation (although there was alcohol involved, so that part was pretty normal, I think).

Normally, I like to tell people what not to do based on my experiences, but Amber got everything pretty much right. She’s probably writing up everything I did wrong right now! I only have a few tips I can share from this experience:

• Read the body language. I’m not an expert in this, but I do know a thing or two. At the beginning of the night, Amber had a “closed” posture. But by the end, she was relaxed, leaning in, elbows on the table. This is a good thing; something to aim for, if you can. If you’re seeing the opposite (leaning back, arms across the body, never looking at you), change direction fast!
• Write the body language. I’ve been told that women are a million times better at reading body language than men. If you are interested, make sure you show it. Don’t cross your arms. Lean forward when your date talks. Look for opportunities to lead the conversation forward. You can also mimic a little bit (drink when she drinks, for example), but don’t overdo it; otherwise you may end up on the “suspected serial killer” list. Or she might think you’re a mime. Either way, you won’t be seeing her again.

When the check came, she reached for her wallet, and I reached for mine. The key here is that she didn’t talk about paying for the check, she just assumed we were splitting it. There was a little back-and-forth, so don’t think I just gave in, but she handled the situation well. Finally.

Okay, so our brains really got along. But I didn’t immediately ask for a follow-up date. Why? The physical chemistry wasn’t a slam-dunk. But I think Amber might be someone who needs that to build over time. I did find her attractive pretty much right away. She dressed for a date, not for “hanging out” (almost put me to shame, to be honest, but I let my personality make up for my dressing down a bit; besides, I think guys can get away with it). By the end of the date, I found her more attractive because of our intellectual connection, but I’m not sure I see here in “that way” just yet. I do think I will ask her out again and see what develops. I don’t think friendship is really a possibility with her, due to her demanding schedule (and my own), plus the physical distance between us. That is a real shame, because I finally met a “kindred spirit” online, and I wouldn’t want to lose the relationship entirely. I have to be smart, though, and if it’s not going to develop in that direction, I will need to cut her loose.

Not that sexy

“Natalie” was brought to me by match.com. It seems strange to me, but I have had no luck at all on match.com, so this was my first contact through the site. Sorry to say, this was not the turn-around I was hoping for. On the phone, Natalie was a phone-hog, dominating our conversation and even over-sharing a bit. Medical distress, personal trauma, and even financial problems. Way to sell yourself!

We met over a meal, which was her idea. Personally, I think meals are a terrible first date idea. Most women I know hate to eat in front of someone they don’t know well, making them nervous on the date, and the rest don’t really look good while shoveling forkfuls of food into their mouths. The eating wasn’t the big deal with Natalie, though, even though she ate much more than I did. This can be okay on an occasional basis, even bordering on cute if a tiny woman can polish off a 16 oz steak. The problem is when the over-eating is clearly a chronic condition. I rarely, if ever, communicate with anyone without a profile picture, so I should have known what I was getting myself into. It will probably come as no surprise to anyone who has been online dating for any period of time that Natalie was “not as advertised”. To help out my fellow online daters, here are a few clues that the person you see online probably won’t be the one you meet in person:

• Grainy pictures. Pictures don’t have grain anymore. Get a digital camera. You’re dating online, for God’s sake! If I ever see a grainy picture again, I will have to assume it was taken with a snapshot camera circa 1988.
• Out-of-fashion clothes, hairstyle. This can be a tough one, since some people just can’t dress. If it is important to you that they be able to dress, then this may be enough to turn them into a “no” anyway. But if this is something you’re willing to overlook, you should really think about whether the person has kept that shirt for the last 5 years or whether the picture might just be outdated.
• Verbal clues. If the person you are about to meet describes some specific clothing, jewelry, etc. that will make it “easier to recognize them”…. just run. You’ve already seen the pictures. If you really can’t recognize the person by their picture, just try calling their cell phone when you think you are looking at them. It’s surprisingly easy and effective. Then, get to see an eye doctor.

I would hate for my dear readers to think that I am completely shallow. I really am not, and if you follow me on Twitter, you will see that physical attraction is just the “gateway drug” for me to become really attracted and interested in a woman. And let’s face it, women do exactly the same thing, turning a guy down just for a single picture.

At its core, this whole “bait and switch” thing just doesn’t work for me. It’s bad enough when the model of refrigerator you wanted to buy suddenly is out of stock, and the store has one for “just a few dollars more”. Romantic relationships are a hell of a lot more important, and negative surprises are amplified by the desire to be attracted to someone (hey, that’s why you’re meeting, isn’t it?). No matter what, there is nothing better than to have a recent (1 month old at most!) photo in your profile, even if you don’t like it. Don’t like your look? Change it. Look bored, or worse, boring? Get some friends to take pics while you’re out having a good time. Just don’t lie to me about your looks before we even meet. No matter what anyone says, they are important. Let me decide if they are more or less important than your personality!

All that being said, I think there may be a single exception to this rule: lying about your age. It might seem odd, but this can be okay only if you can get a petition of at least 10 people who will vouch that you appear to be the age you are claiming to be. In this one case, lying might actually help someone who will find you attractive to discover your profile. The one way I have seen this work is when the very first line of the profile admits the true age of the person. It’s just my opinion, but I really don’t care how old someone is (within reason). Age is a way we describe the general condition of someone’s life. Everything from personal appearance to station in life to financial independence or stability. The problem is, it doesn’t mean shit. Someone younger could be stable, and someone older could be incredibly sexy! These sites should make it easier to use age as a way to find the right person instead of using it to make searching harder.

Road to NOwhere

I met “Sarah” on chemistry.com. This seems to be the place for me to meet people who actually respond and are available to meet up. There really isn’t much to say about the meet. But that might say it all. She was very friendly, and we had a good conversation over a couple of drinks. We talked about some mutual interests… kids, even, but she had the good sense not to “introduce” me to her family. Instead, we spoke in generalities about our kids, which was much more comfortable. But I don’t think either of us felt a “dating” connection. I would rather it go that way than to have someone obsessed with me that I am totally not interested in. Sarah is a no-nonsense kind of woman. I think she decided that we’re both geographically unavailable, and I think I agree. At the end of the night, we parted company with no hard feelings. An enjoyable, friendly conversation doesn’t make for much of a story, but it was kind of a relief!

Some people just aren't photogenic

As always, “Olivia” is not her real name. I met Olivia on chemistry.com. It’s a real gold mine… or so I thought before this date. I haven’t been doing this online dating thing enough to become jaded yet, but this really was a wake up call. This one was like going to the Special Olympics of dating! Olivia gave really short answers to the “short answers” part of the guided communication process. That was okay, though, because the emails and phone calls were money! She was so bubbly and talkative, I was hugely relieved. Every once in a while, I noticed a bit of an… accent, was it? The Rs didn’t come out quite right. Benefit of the doubt, and that great personality, led me to ask for more pics. Her main profile pic was so cute and smiley! I was really looking forward to getting some more. Olivia sent me a pic via email… it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life to look at this person CLEARLY being forced to stand and pose in front of a camera. I was sure she said she had some pics of her having fun at a party from the week before! Where were those? So, I told her how I saw it… she should immediately switch her profile picture back, and I’d be happy to help her pick a new one! Friends told me I would never hear from her again. Well, I did… about 2 hours later, with new pics. Now, I’m no expert in women, but I knew this would happen. Most women rise to a challenge, right? These pics were better, but her bubbly personality was totally lost in them. It was a shame!

At any rate, on the strength of her phone calls, I decided to meet up with her. I had to drive over an hour to get where she was (it was a last-minute opening in my schedule, and she was in a good location to meet). For some reason, I started to get nervous when I was about 30 minutes from the meet. I wasn’t nervous at all with “Melissa”. Let this be a warning to follow your instincts.

So, Olivia had made the classic “over-share” blunder with me on the phone… something which, in all fairness, she warned me about the very first time we spoke. But did I really need to know of her unusual medical conditions? Well, after she ordered what must have been her 5th drink (I had 3, FWIW), she started to REALLY open up. Talking about surgeries, ear infections that made puss come out of her ears (oh, so attractive; you really expect to get anything later?), broken bones, allergies, pneumonia, … you ever see the movie “Unbreakable”? She was coming across as the Samuel L. Jackson character, really making me feel like the Bruce Willis. Now, maybe I’m a complete weirdo (I probably am), but does anyone really want to get hot and heavy with someone who is likely to have some sort of medical emergency in the middle? And if there was ANY possibility of having kids (some day, way in the future), that just went right out the window! I mean, I’m a pretty smart guy, and I know this stuff is hereditary… why take the risk? Oh, and one more thing… that “accent” I heard was from her DOUBLE HEARING AIDS. That’s why I’m going straight to hell… But c’mon… you share all this shit with me, but you DON’T tell me you have a real disability? At least _hint_ at it before I get there! It’s not like she was hiding anything else, you know?

Looking back on the experience, I had a pleasant enough time.. there were lots of people, and I like to people-watch. And the conversations weren’t all that bad. But also, I’m pretty clear when I set up these “meets” that they are “meets” and not “dates”. My attitude is, let’s see if we can spend an hour or so together and figure out if we have any “spark”. She, on the other hand, told me she had paid a meter to park for 4 hours! I was over an hour from home, and we met at 9! What did she think I was going to do? Hang out until 1am, then try to drive home? Maybe it was just good planning, but it came across as a little presumptuous. And, unfortunately, there was no physical attraction on my end. Maybe those 4 hours would have been more useful if there were… C’mon, chemistry.com, give me a winner!

Can't take the trailer park out of the girl

FYI, I have been doing this online dating thing for a few weeks now. I can tell you now that in my personal experience, chemistry.com has worked out a lot better for me than other sites. I met “Melissa” (NOT her name) on the very first day I signed up for chemistry.com. It was during one of those “free weekend” promotions, and I signed up first thing Sunday morning. By noon, Melissa had sent me a message through the matching system. I checked out her photos, and they weren’t the best I had seen. But, since I haven’t been out on anything resembling a date, I thought I’d give her a try. One thing I really like is chemistry.com’s “guided” process. I think of it like an ice breaker… like playing “I never” during a frat party. It’s a simple set of questions that covers everything from what you want in a relationship to your favorite ice cream flavor. It’s not complicated… don’t be afraid to try it!

After the emails, which went pretty smoothly, we spoke on the phone. This was the first warning sign that things might not work out. Listen, everyone, here’s some Dating 101. Do NOT mention the following things during your first phone call with a potential mate:

• Your ex. At all. Save that for after I’ve gotten to know you and I’m ready to have you unload some baggage.
• Your children(s)’ name(s). That’s just creepy. The way I look at it, it’s way too soon to get the kids “involved”, even just mentioning them. I know they’re important in your life — I’m a father. But the only person it’s okay to talk with your kids about all the time is their mother or father.
• Your messy child custody arrangement. It’s a big turn off to know that the courts took your kids away. And no, I will NOT ask you to explain or give you a chance to describe the circumstances. Just assume I’ll assume the worst. I will, and so will plenty of other people who don’t want to admit it!

I’m sure there’s more, but this is just what we touched on during the first phone call! Okay, so people get nervous, and I’m by nature a generous guy and very laid back. So, I still agreed to meet with her! We picked a place roughly halfway for both of us (something she new a lot about; see point 3 above), and had a beer. First impression was okay… she actually reminded me of this ex from college who I had sex with… oh, 4-5 times a week! Happy memories… But then we started talking, and it was like I was talking to my aunt. She was also so quiet when not talking to me (like to the server)… speak up! Anyway, she had already eaten, but I hadn’t (okay, I had a bowl of soup at work so I could legitimately bail if the night was a complete disaster; always be prepared, right?), so I ordered some food, and so did she. Food which she took exactly 1 bite of, then took home at the end of the night. NOT classy. Flash forward to awkward moment between our 2 cars (I parked right next to hers)…. just a hug (one arm from me!)… and first date over. Not exactly the night I was hoping for, but I had a decent enough time. I really tried to be attracted to her, but there was no getting past that vision of my aunt. Even when she did remind me of one of my best lays ever… Time to move on.