Cougars... they know what they want

A buddy and I were out having a few drinks at a local bar. It’s normally a pretty good scene, full of HAPS or better possibilities. But even when the woman count is low, there are other things to keep us occupied. For whatever reason, the place we were gets pretty dead early on, especially mid-week, like this time. Like so many good stories, this one starts “I’m sitting there, minding my own business….” My friend and I were having our last drinks before we moved on, and that’s when she pounced. I like women to take the initiative sometimes; but if you’re a cougar and taking the initiative, you’d better look like Courtney Cox.

I could tell right away I was in for it, but I didn’t want to be rude. I had never seen this woman before, so I didn’t know who she knew (a lot of people “know the owner” at this place; but I think a lot of people say that, too). It seemed like a good idea to try to be polite and just try not to get mauled. No such luck. She must have started drinking some time around noon, because she was totally shit-faced drunk. That might have explained why she started pawing me right away. Hands all over my face and hair. C’mon, lady. I did NOT invite you to touch me in any way. When I smile and nod and then turn away from you, with my only view the overweight, hairy bartender… that should be a clue. Then, in what had to be one of the worst moves I’ve ever seen, she pinched my cheeks. In addition to being a huge invasion of my personal space it had exactly the wrong effect. I told her, “Wow. You just reminded me of my grandmother.” For some reason, this didn’t have the desired effect, either. Instead, she told me about her daughter who she came with to the bar (she was 30, according to Mom). Then she went on to explain, proudly, that she was her youngest daughter. Youngest. Meaning there were older daughters. More than one. Okay, so assume there were only 2 years between each, and there were only 3 daughters. That means she has to be at least 50 (and that’s being generous; 16 + 2 + 2 + 30). I mean, I’m flattered and all, but I don’t think so. To top it all off, she then starts telling me about her dead husband. And you know, I felt bad for her, but is this how you pick up men? Does this ever work? Actually, the best part is that my buddy backed off completely, hiding behind a tree somewhere instead of bailing me out! To be honest, it had to be pretty funny to watch, so I might have done the same thing.

The same rules apply to darts, pool, and picking someone up at a bar. A few drinks might help your game, but things can get out of control if you have too much. In any case, you still need some kind of talent and a game plan to expect success.

Hot for teacher

Gloria knows all the right things to say. I (and you, especially if you’re a woman) could learn a thing or two about dating from her. I think she hasn’t been on the dating scene for long, but her technique is really great. It doesn’t hurt that she has a 1,000 watt smile that makes guys flock to her from across the room. I met her at a bar, but fortunately, I was introduced to her by a friend, which gave me a huge advantage (okay, technically I introduced myself; I don’t find being shy to be a very good strategy). Once I got her alone for a minute, I got her number and set up a date. It was a standard drink date, which gave us time to talk. Out of the whole night, what I remember the most was how I blabbed on for about half an hour on things I never would have talked to anyone else about, mostly because they are normally date-killers. At the end of it, she told me how interesting it all was. I totally think that was a line, but either way, it worked for me. Her being interested in what interests me made me more interested in her. Get it? I learned plenty about her, too. Mostly that she was much better at this than I am. But that’s why I take notes.

Instant Slut

This is the account of my second date with “Daisy”. You can also read about my first date.

If you’re in the CIA, trying to get some “intelligence”, one of your tools is truth serum. Use the right amount, and your subject spills her guts, telling you everything you ever wanted to know. Use too much, and you get paranoid delusions. If you’re in the “CPA”, you use alcohol in the same way. And there is just as much risk for things to spiral out of control if this valuable tool is overused. Before I get into too much detail about the date itself, I think it’s worth recapping the phone calls that led up to our first date. Most of them were about getting drunk. Like many women, Daisy has a habit of saying the opposite of what she means, at least some of the time. For example, “I don’t drink a lot” was in the same conversation as “and then I woke up and I had no idea where I was. That always happens to me!”

Like my first date with Daisy, this one was blissfully normal, at least on the surface. I’ve been meaning to have more “date-like” dates, and tickets to a concert made this a good chance to try it out. During the concert, we drank. We drank a lot. Before the concert started, we talked about grabbing a drink afterwards, so I was a little bit surprised how willing (and able) she was to drink at the event itself. After the concert was over, we were fighting the traffic to get out of the place, and I asked if she still wanted to get that drink. To my complete shock and awe, she started listing places we could go on the way back.

Those of you with more experience than me probably know how this story ends. Those of you with a little less probably think I “got the girl”. No, I added just a little too much alcohol to the mix. About an hour before I took her home, things were going great. By the time she ordered that one last drink (you know, the one that, even at the time, you’re thinking “I’m drunk, and I even know I shouldn’t be ordering this one…”), she could barely drink it at all. I mean, she had problems actually picking up the cup and drinking it. After that, I’m pretty sure she didn’t even remember where she was or who she was with. That one last little bit of alcohol pushed her over the edge, making her talk not just about some friend who was supposed to be at the bar we left, but also about her adventures with another guy. I honestly thought she might have hooked up with a porn producer, considering some of the things she told me. We made out for a bit at her place (hey, why waste it?), but eventually she passed out and I went home. For me, this was a lesson learned. Alcohol can be a great social (or sexual) lubricant. But apply too much, and things can slip out of control. At the end of the day, though, a little “out of control” can be fun, and we’ve already talked about going out again. Cheers!

Maybe a little extreme...

It took a while to land a date with “Daisy”. She seemed pretty excited to go out, and it wasn’t that I just hadn’t put in enough effort. Maybe I just didn’t realize exactly how “laid back” and relaxed she was. It seemed like I just needed to exercise a little control. On that note, let’s jump right to the score card:

• Actually showed up and did not cancel at the last minute – check
• Looks like her pictures – check (plus)
• Does not look longingly into my eyes all night – check
• Good conversation – check
• No inappropriate or awkward contact or clinginess – check
• Admitted at least one personally embarrassing story during the night – check

Now that I’m writing that list, I realize that my standards for a good date must be at an all-time low. Am I really just looking to hang out with someone for a couple of hours and not be totally revolted?

Well, the night was a little better than all that. Daisy is one of those women who needs the man to lead. This was a little bit of a challenge for me, since we met near where she lives and where she hangs out with her friends. I had no idea what to suggest. On the other hand, this was a change of pace for me, and it was an interesting experience to be in complete control of the evening. My first decree was that she pick a spot to meet. Maybe that’s a cop-out, but seriously, she had much better odds at picking good places to go than I did over the Internet. When we arrived, that place was closed. I do believe in “fate” or something like it, but I didn’t take this as a bad sign. Just that we had to go somewhere better. Since she is a self-proclaimed lightweight, and I was determined (partly inspired by that fact) that there would be much alcohol consumed, I decided to drive to the next location. Call me “chivalrous” (or “opportunistic”; either way).

The rest of the night consisted of bar-hopping throughout the area and a lot of really comfortable, really good conversation. Pretty much classic “first date” material, from what I can remember of high school and college, when I last had first date experience. I’m not sure I’m doing it right, though, since when I took her back to her place where absolutely nothing of interest happened. Hopefully it won’t take quite so long to get the next date. I’m actually kind of hopeful about this one. But as my first time out with “Gretchen” taught me, I really don’t have any idea how these things went. Unlike “Gretchen”, though, she did tell me to call. If it all goes wrong, you can check out the Shot Down category for the gruesome details.

Read about my second date with Daisy

• Compose. If you’re looking to meet someone new, group composition can be pretty important. All women with one man… you are the gay friend. Equal parts men and women? You’re all attached, and you may just be a freak (not that this would turn everyone off, but it might be a huge let-down for those it doesn’t). All men is okay, as long as you don’t start dancing together (gay) or are too big of a group (football, or worse, ultimate frisbee team). You’re going for “strong, but not overwhelming”. Note that it is actually easier if not everyone in your group is available. Those people often make excellent wingmen. Even if they don’t, there’s no need to bring your own competition.
• Strut. Be seen as a part of your group. Walk through the place with your entourage in tow. You’re the man. Believe it. Sell it. Make sure everybody knows it. This goes double if you’ve never met or been out with anyone in your group before. If you can convince them, you’ll convince everybody else.
• Mingle. Talk to people on your own, without your “support” nearby. Offer to bring your group into someone else’s group. This works really well if it’s a large group of available women and a small group of men. Also, when you start talking to strangers, don’t hang around too long. Make an impression and move on.
• Follow up. Since your first contact is brief, make sure you go back and talk to the women who seem to share mutual interest. Bonus points if you manage to greet them and all their friends by name when you come back. If you click, then spend some time really talking during the follow up. If not, it won’t be a surprise if you leave within a minute… it’s what you did last time you talked to her, too. Just don’t be surprised if you get the same treatment.
• Close. Closing is really tough in a group environment. I prefer just to get a number and call it a night. There’s plenty of time for a REAL close later.

Have you done better with “the group thing”? Any other tips that have worked for you? Let me know in the comments!

People, people everywhere

This date really taught me the trouble with crowds. They are noisy, loaded with alternative dating material (for both parties), and, especially when they are your date’s friends, judgmental. Gretchen is at the younger end of the HAPS range for me, but she was very open to meeting after very few conversations. There was a clear language barrier, so maybe she likes to meet people right away and see what happens. It was a very confusing set-up, made entirely over email and text, in which she might have invited me to three separate events. With the language thing, it’s always hard to know for sure. In any case, dating someone who is difficult to talk to only works in one scenario: pure, raw physical attraction.

We met up at a very large Fourth of July event. This is a complete departure from my usual setting to meet someone for the first time. She was going there with some friends, so I decided I might as well swing by to meet her. Finding someone in a large crowd like that can be pretty hard. All I had to go on was a general description of where she and her friends were sitting. Also, due to the size of the event, there was really spotty cell phone coverage. After wandering around like a complete idiot, trying to call her maybe 3-4 times, she finally called me. Oddly enough, I was looking right at her when she did.

We finally met up, but her friends had walked on ahead. The first 15 minutes of our meet-up was trying to find her friends. In case you haven’t heard, men hate to feel impotent, and I was completely powerless to help her find her friends. The whole situation was both frustrating and distracting. We chatted a bit about our day so far, talked about food (one of the universal languages)… nothing serious, and no big deal. I met her friends, who were mostly younger than her, I think. All 10 of them. That’s when she told me that she didn’t mention that a guy was meeting up with her and that she let her friends think I was a girl. Talk about feeling outnumbered and under pressure! Oh yeah, and they all spoke Gretchen’s language much better than mine. I like to think I’m not too paranoid, but I am certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the first conversation they had was about me and whether I made the cut.

Gretchen was actually supposed to leave the event early, so I was expecting maybe an hour of hanging out. Instead, she suggested we go for a walk and maybe get a drink. To be honest, I was a little surprised, since I had been unceremoniously dis-invited to an after-Fourth party which was suddenly just for the girls (this was just after the previously-mentioned “paranoia-inducing” conversation between Gretchen and her friends). On my way to meet her, I had passed a pleasantly-busy bar, so I walked there with her. She was incredibly uncomfortable with the noisy bar scene, so we ended up at a cafe where we sipped on water and juice. I felt bad for the waitress and grossly over-tipped her. Come to think of it, I should have used the bathroom there. Gretchen had some interesting stories about her work, her new career plans, and her culture. She hardly understood a word I said. Okay, I did make her laugh once or twice, but between the crowds (the big one and the 10-woman jury), her ride home being late to pick her up (very creepy to offer a ride home on a first meet, I think), and the language barrier… it was a bit awkward. I’d be willing to give it another shot, though, and see if that raw physical attraction could develop a bit. Maybe all we need is a more… intimate… setting? There’s not much time, though. Her visa expires at the end of the year!

Love triangles. Mine was obtuse.

One night, out with the twenty-something crew, I made my way into a bachelorette party. Think Wedding Crashers, only sexier. The ladies of the bachelorette party were definitely out for a good time (most are), and they welcomed me into their midst. When I mentioned my friends, they said, “Bring them over!”

Suddenly, in the middle of having a fun night, a friend of theirs arrives late. Let’s call her “Penelope”. Despite the fun I was having, I was instantly attracted. In my latest post, I mentioned my “brain-dar”, and it was on “high” this night, despite the copious shots we had all been consuming all night. My instincts were completely right, as I found out when she challenged me to a thinking contest of sorts after a shot of tequila. Considering she had a six-shot edge (having just arrived to the party), I wasn’t surprised that I just missed the mark. Somehow, this turned me on even more. We danced together very closely for the rest of the night. I could probably identify her panties in a line-up.

Girls will talk at a bachelorette party, and part of what I picked up on was that Penelope had a boyfriend. One of my mental gifts is that, no matter how drunk I am, I will always pick up on a key detail like this. I put it in my back pocket for later. As it turns out, this was exactly the right thing to do. One faculty that does fade as I drink, however, is judgment. I made a nearly-fatal miscalculation and said something that really offended Penelope. She stormed off, probably never to be seen again. After taking a powder, chatting with some of the young men in the bathroom about the importance of condom use and with the attendant about which cologne he needed to get, I went outside to find my friends. Who should walk up to me but Penelope? She was explaining that she wasn’t really that angry and that she didn’t mean to make me feel bad. “I know you have a boyfriend. I know what’s going on.” was all I said. She immediately looked around to find out which of her friends ratted her out. Then, she admitted that she was trying to find an excuse not to talk with me anymore, so she blew the whole situation out of proportion.

Gentleman that I am, I explained that I understood her situation and offered her my number. She entered it into her phone, and after a moment or two of hesitation…. pressed “Send”. I could tell she was uncomfortable doing it, but she definitely wanted to make sure I had her number. Later that night, I checked up on her and her friend. Early the next morning, she contacted me, and we set up a date.

Unfortunately, no amount of persuading on my part was able to get the date to happen. She went back and forth for an entire week, finally canceling our plans on the day. Her main concern actually seemed to be what might happen if we ever met (and what she might say to her boyfriend). Because of this, I have a feeling that I may not have heard the last of Penelope.

Blowing my mind, at least

“Amber” is different from all the girls I’ve been on a date with so far. All 4 of them. She’s very well educated, lived an interesting life, cares about people (but is realistic about her own motivations for being altruistic), can pick a good place to meet, is accommodating, and even split the check with me. I know, I said in another post that I just expect my dates to offer and that I wouldn’t let them pay, but she’s that good. If nothing else, it was a very interesting date with great conversation.

I hadn’t talked with Amber much on the phone before we met up. I’m not sure whether that matters, now. In fact, this experience makes me want to meet up even sooner than I have been, maybe after 1-2 brief calls. When we finally did talk face-to-face, we didn’t talk about anything uncomfortable. She didn’t divulge too much, and neither did I. She didn’t pry into my personal life, and I didn’t pry into hers. We did talk a lot about ourselves, though, and I feel like I have a pretty good idea of the person behind the profile. I avoided talking about my son on the first date (it’s in my profile, but I feel that it’s way to early to bring him into the mix), and she didn’t ask. She’s led an interesting life — been places I’ve never been, seen things I’ve never seen — and I think some of my stories were interesting to her, too.

A week or so ago, after a night out at a bar, a friend of mine pointed out that I need an intellectual connection to women. There were lots of attractive women there at the bar, but of course I went for the smart one. It’s like I have “brain-dar”. Amber delivered on this count. In addition talking about our childhoods, pop culture, etc., we also talked about her work, my work, and some really nerdy stuff. That stuff didn’t seem so nerdy when we were talking about it, though. Instead, it was one of those late-night-style conversations when you talk with someone about personal philosophy and other things that typically don’t come up in casual conversation (although there was alcohol involved, so that part was pretty normal, I think).

Normally, I like to tell people what not to do based on my experiences, but Amber got everything pretty much right. She’s probably writing up everything I did wrong right now! I only have a few tips I can share from this experience:

• Read the body language. I’m not an expert in this, but I do know a thing or two. At the beginning of the night, Amber had a “closed” posture. But by the end, she was relaxed, leaning in, elbows on the table. This is a good thing; something to aim for, if you can. If you’re seeing the opposite (leaning back, arms across the body, never looking at you), change direction fast!
• Write the body language. I’ve been told that women are a million times better at reading body language than men. If you are interested, make sure you show it. Don’t cross your arms. Lean forward when your date talks. Look for opportunities to lead the conversation forward. You can also mimic a little bit (drink when she drinks, for example), but don’t overdo it; otherwise you may end up on the “suspected serial killer” list. Or she might think you’re a mime. Either way, you won’t be seeing her again.

When the check came, she reached for her wallet, and I reached for mine. The key here is that she didn’t talk about paying for the check, she just assumed we were splitting it. There was a little back-and-forth, so don’t think I just gave in, but she handled the situation well. Finally.

Okay, so our brains really got along. But I didn’t immediately ask for a follow-up date. Why? The physical chemistry wasn’t a slam-dunk. But I think Amber might be someone who needs that to build over time. I did find her attractive pretty much right away. She dressed for a date, not for “hanging out” (almost put me to shame, to be honest, but I let my personality make up for my dressing down a bit; besides, I think guys can get away with it). By the end of the date, I found her more attractive because of our intellectual connection, but I’m not sure I see here in “that way” just yet. I do think I will ask her out again and see what develops. I don’t think friendship is really a possibility with her, due to her demanding schedule (and my own), plus the physical distance between us. That is a real shame, because I finally met a “kindred spirit” online, and I wouldn’t want to lose the relationship entirely. I have to be smart, though, and if it’s not going to develop in that direction, I will need to cut her loose.

One man, one vote

I’ve had a pretty active fantasy life, especially when my real life didn’t live up to my expectations. Whenever I travel alone, for example, I think about getting propositioned. What guy doesn’t want to be so powerfully attractive that a woman throws herself at him? And what guy wouldn’t want to walk out of a bar with a lay at the end of the night?

This guy. At least on this night.

Since I became separated, I’ve been hanging with a younger crowd when I go out. It’s been a lot of fun so far, and they are able to introduce me to people who are younger and have a very different perspective on life. After so many years as a “family man”, it’s good for me to shake things up a little bit. One night, a small group of us went to the local dive bar, where we ran into some folks that we knew from being there before. One of the people there was a woman who I absolutely knew was interested in me. After a previous night at the bar, she sent me a message letting me know that I was the hottest guy in the bar. Considering this is a dive bar, I wasn’t quite sure how to take that. Also, she sent this message to me after making out for 15 minutes with one of my friends. I was pretty sure how to take that. Slut.

Now, we’re going to the bar on this night, and the slut sits down next to me and starts complaining about how this other guy in the bar slept with her, then never called her. “Slut” status confirmed. I was unsure where she was going with this. What angle could she possibly be playing? Was she actually interested in me? And if so, why on earth would she bring that guy up? There wasn’t much going on, so I went outside to talk with a friend. After about an hour on the phone (and the corresponding hour of sobering up), I went back into the bar. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but alcohol really goes straight for the bladder. In my case, if I didn’t get to the bathroom soon, it was going to be New Orleans all over again.

Now I’m heading straight for the men’s room, and this woman grabs my arm, pulls me in close and just straight up offers to go home with me… or just to my car, if I prefer. In situations like this — ones that I never in a million years thought would happen to me — I freeze up. So, I just resumed my original plan, excused myself, and rushed to the men’s room door. Which was locked. Escape was so close, but now I was trapped in a tiny dive bar only a few feet away from someone I was desperate to get away from, only inches from a room I was desperate to get into. I felt my stomach sink.

Fortunately, my friend lived around the corner from the bar. I told him I had a potty emergency (and that there was absolutely no way I was even getting close to touching the bar skank who just propositioned me). He gracefully rushed me out the side door. Of course, “you know who” was waiting when we came down the alley. I decided that was a good time to appear more drunk and disorderly than I actually was, and we made a break for it. All ended well enough, with me happier than I’ve been for a while to be in my bed alone!

No, this wasn't my teacher this week

Wow. What a week. Since I had only one date this week, I thought I should share some things that I learned this week. I have learned a lot about how unreliable people can be, especially certain kinds of people. I learned (confirmed?) that women are definitely just as superficial as men when it comes to profile pictures. I was also propositioned this week, and it was not subtle… or good.

At the beginning of this week, I had 3 dates scheduled. I had a short-term opportunity with someone I met offline, so I pushed one of these 3 to the next week. So, technically, I suppose I had 4 dates scheduled this week. Only one happened. One was my choice to move to next week. Two canceled at the last minute. That leaves me at 50% for the week. On the plus side, I have not been stood up yet. It takes a lot of energy to talk with women and to arrange these meet-ups, at least the way I do it. It’s at least a few emails back-and-forth, a conversation or two on the phone, then we finally get a chance to meet. Multiply this by 4 and you have some idea of how exhausted I am, mentally and emotionally, from this week.

Women are just as superficial as men, in case you didn’t already know this. I was getting only occasional action from a particular online dating site… until I updated my profile picture. Choosing a profile picture is a complex process, I’ve found. I have a theory that different pictures work better on different sites. But for now, I have updated my profile everywhere with the new picture. Time will tell which technique works best.

Chasing women with a “boyfriend” is pretty interesting, but in my experience so far, not very fulfilling. These women tend to be younger, and they tend to take that level of relationship pretty seriously. Of course, they each gave me their numbers, so I made the assumption that they didn’t take them too seriously. The problem may be that they have lots of time to evaluate how serious their relationships are.

Getting propositioned is way less fun than you might think. Even though I like the idea, the reality is just not that hot. What should happen is that physical attraction develops and then something just happens. Having someone suggest it is just weird. Considering this has been a fantasy of mine for a while, I was disappointed that it was such a let-down. I had to escape from this one.